timing is everything.

Listening to: The White Stripes - I just don't know what to do with myself.

I cannot believe it has been over a year ago I wrote this. Again everthing has to do with time and space. (I was so shocked realizing that I didn't post my thoughts on Interstellar, so I did it like 6 months too late and the previous post is about the movie, since everything links to it's topic.)

I take a deep breath, I sigh. I get melancholy. Just the thought of the ratio of people on earth, of males and females, of people your age, of people with your likes and dislikes, you are attracted to and vice versa, of complementing and/or mutual taste... it makes me dizzy.

Either there is the perfect match just around the corner, but you never meet him, since you pass this streetcorner always 5 minutes earlier than him. Or the person lives literally on the other side of the earth. Or he will born like years later. What is more frustrating?

I don't want to be content with the obvious and most simple things. It looks like I am supposed to sit and wait. But not at home. Out. Seems comfy enough. Will see who comes along.


I think about this Renoir picture, I feel like sitting there all day and contemplating life.

Interstella.r.

This post was due in December already, It is not much. But here is what I had to say back then:

Interstellar: mindblowing.
Christopher Nolan has done it again. He is the boss.
Wormhole 1st perspective: a nano second of Donnie Darko.
Wormhole 2nd perspective: rewind. retro. silent numbness.
musical arrangement: pure deliciousness. a heavy sweetness to die for. Hans Zimmer should never cease to exist!
time travel/theory of relativity: life is too short. It's as simple as that. There is eternity in our hearts.
humanity: in full ignorance of self induced deterioration. always wants new, never ever changes oneself, just the surroundings. stupidity beyond compare.
Matt Damon: I still hate him. The degree of hate cannot be measured. He is always that kind of ..argh!!

I strongly reccommend to listen to this.

Reality.

Imaginations, dreams, thoughts, fantasies. You might be too convinced of its reality.
You feel the effects of your thoughts. They take root in your heart.
Your deep seated emotion is based on nothing except your imagination. The emotion will find no outlet..

Listen to: Karen O - The Moon Song

The emotion is certainly real, but the circumstances aren't.

Close.

I love leaning in.

Leaning in means to feel a touch not been made, to taste a kiss yet to come and by a glance make tiny hairs stand. On the edge.

However, leaning in without someone to return the favor is futile.

Expectation postponed makes the heart sick,

But a desire realized is a tree of life. 

- Proverbs 13:12

New things get old.

I had a craving for finally watching Take This Waltz. It was torturing.

She loves her husband, but sometimes feels pushed away, although he ever so gently does exactly that. He is a kind and loving guy; simple, too. It doesn't take much to make him happy, baby talk for example or chicken or someone who loves his ever so gently prepared chicken.

She meets the obvious perfect match on a trip elsewhere, and by coincidence he turns out to be her neighbor. Is it fate? I doubt it, but for the sake of the story it's totally logical for him to live accross the street. While she is already happily married for five years and is accepted in her husbands family, she is playing with fire by accidentally running into her ..., well, what is he - she didn't want to name or title him either her "lover" or "confidant" - so just her "neighbor".  She doesn't dare to cheat on her beloved husband, nor can she not linger on the thought of being with the NEW. He is charismatic, creative, unwillingly a modern-hobo. I love watching him watching her. His look is truly full of a longing for her, yes, even love.

Some might call the pacing of the movie strenuous, however, I am delighted to have details and moments shown with a feeling, and feeling takes time, it requires time to develop it on screen, the information flow has to have time in order to reach the recipient, the viewer, so the so-called strenuously paced plot deserves the 2-hours or so on-screen-time. Although there is a perfect moment in the movie where I would have just stopped. It is when she and her "neighbor" spent a day together and end up in a disco-carousel (Scrambler) indulging in gravity and Video Killed the Radio Star, exchanging looks, closing eyes, enjoying. nothing. However, it continues showing how she really leaves her loving husband for the NEW. and the NEW gets old, too. I am grateful, that at least this message was conveyed at the end.

I also loved watching Take This Waltz for the sake of the setting, Toronto, Canada during a real long hot summer. Everything seemed warm and colorful, not too bright, but with a constant glow.

Coming back to the beginning. It was torturing watching her being torn, but never seduced by the NEW (! - he is pleasantly passive), she was indecisive with her inner self and gave in to her selfish desire to want something NEW. painful, truly painful. and wrong. She loves the old, has a fling for the NEW. Her life changed for a bit, but the same old structures returned, even with the NEW. New things get old.

Another last thing. The movie considered her being afraid of being afraid, the hate of being inbetween things, like airport connections. I liked how this early statement was confirmed during the story of her being inbetween emotions.

starring Michelle Williams, Seth Rogen, Luke Kirby, Sarah Silverman

Celestial.

I bet everyone had a situation he wished not to have said something. I have plenty of situations where I wish to just be able to say what I feel. What could be a cause of not doing so? Timidity? Fear of the other person's reaction? Maybe not being able to define what you actually feel.

Celeste + Jesse Forever is a movie about a married couple who are best friends. You start seeing a series of pictures how they got to know each other, they seem happy and extremly goofy. As the movie progresses you realize, that they already broke up. Whoa. Didn't seem like it. Jesse obviously still wants to be with her, Celeste refuses him.
Now he found out he is going to be a father and wants to get serious with the new girl, she is devastated. The music turns mute, we see her not excessively weeping, but dull and numb, full of pressure, not knowing how to feel when feeling every kind of emotion there exists. She wants to have him, he is her best friend, she knows him, he knows her. Now he is committed to someone else. And she cannot bear it. She breaks.
She couldn't express what she feels before all of this, if she did, they still would be not just best friends, but a couple and best friends. She denied her feelings in the beginning. If she would just have said what she wanted to, ..but well she obviously didn't. what does it matter now?!
A painfully real setting. I enjoyed watching it. could identify with her.

when is the right time to admit you like someone? probably when you are certain about what you feel. is it ok for a female to reveal her feelings first? In general, I am convinced that speaking openly is better than giving indications that have to be interpreted first. bad idea.

bad idea.

This is it.

Is this really it? 
You grow up. Fast.
You have dreams. Gone.
You have plans. Cut through.
You have no idea.

 Gerade zu schrecklich ist es ein Gefühl der Unzufriedenheit eingeschärft zu bekommen, wo man gerade dachte es liefe alles (ohne Adjektiv). Es ginge voran. Man sehe Fortschritte im Leben. Veränderungen nehme man wahr und schätzt man sehr. ..und dann die Frage, was man denn nun vor hätte. Und deine Antwort wird nicht akzeptiert, du beschreibst dein Leben für das nächste Jahr, doch es wird eine Antwort verlangt, die über das Jahr hinausgeht. Denk an deine Rente. Denk an deine Kinder. Denk an deine Zukunft. Ich mache genau entgegengesetzt was von meinem unmittelbaren Umfeld am Arbeitsplatz erwartet wird. Und das ist kein Anarchismus. Doch niemals täte ich etwas um anderen zu gefallen. Ebenso wenig täte ich etwas um anders zu sein. I'm an individual. I feel how I feel when I feel it. (Girls, TV) Und deshalb reduziere ich meine Arbeitsstunden im ersten Jahr nach meiner verkürzten, mit Bestnote bestandenen kaufmännischen Ausbildung direkt im Anschluss an das Abitur und widme mich meiner Freizeit und in meiner Freizeit widerum widme ich mich anderen Menschen und erfülle ein Werk, das nicht von Menschen mir aufgetragen wurde. Und dies tue ich weder um Menschen zu gefallen noch um diese zu provozieren (das Thema hatte ich bereits oben geklärt). Also lautet die Antwort auf erstere Frage: No, this isn't it. Vielleicht im Hinblick auf Karriere, denn nur darauf wird von extern suggeriert Wert zu legen, aber was meine Freizeit betrifft bin ich bereits verplant und habe keine Zeit mich mit Leuten aufzuhalten, die es nicht verstehen, dass Arbeit und Freizeit eben nicht Hand in Hand gehen müssen. Dazu ist es schon zu spät. Meinen Beruf nochmal neu aussuchen kann ich nicht. Deswegen behandel ich die Arbeit wie einen Tennisball und meine Freizeit wie meinen Hamster-Lauf-im-Ball. Was umhüllt dich, was erfüllt dich? Sicher nicht der Tennisball! Der kann auch gerne verloren gehen. Also hört mir auf mit dem Zukunftsgeschwafel. Es kommt sowieso alles anders.

Martyr.

self-destructive. numb. anomie. 
white stripes.
I LOVE IT. 
or since numbness is rather a condition than a feeling, I should say I AM VERY AWARE.

A martyr for my love for you.

Also I love Disturbed's Stupify in this connection.

Like Crazy.

two days in a row Like Crazy.
independent, low-budget, real life based movie.
improvised, given only with a story, Anton Yelchin* and Felicity Jones portrayed a wonderfully realistic couple.
first love, being apart, long distance relationship.
being euphorically in love, being in tremendous pain without the other, growing apart.
commence a life together after years of starting and stopping over and over again.
affection didn't end, passion, however, passed.

Like Crazy was shot with a Canon 7D. I assume due to that and obviously the improv the natural looks resulted.
I didn't perceive too much conversation, it wasn't annoying, it was beautiful, yet painful to watch. I love the scene in the tram, sitting opposite to each other, him leaving and exchanging looks of so many kinds of sentiments.

I think the gist of this movie would be that if you loved a person once, it is very hard to let go, therefore I would conclude it to be right to commit oneself to just one person. I am very glad that I didn't react too emotional when watching. Finally I got this neutral, yet awesome feeling of not being in love, not care too less or too much, not depending on people's opinions anymore. quite fulfilling. I think I should keep it.

*I like to detect the Russian origin and manner in facial expressions.

Link

Outing.

I did it. We did it. the first outing.

to make you understand what I mean:

the last (23./24.) episode of HIMYM's 7th season was hilarious. the whole Barney magician thing, the mystery door and Marshall and Lily's newborn. After they took him home, Robin was assigned to be the photographer, preferrably taking pictures for the first time out in the park. However, various circumstances led to being the bar the baby's first outing and not the park. 

So, my camera's first outing was when I met a friend whom I don't get to see very often. She is wonderful, so it's definitely a privilege for me, and her.

Later that night we went to the German Sign Language Meeting. 
Awesome experience.

Ultimate.

ultimate [the best achievable or imaginable of its kind].

Gogol Bordello express it that way:

There was never any good old days 

They are today, they are tomorrow 

It's a stupid thing we say 

Cursing tomorrow with sorrow 

The ultimate thing is to look ahead. 

have a postive, but realistic outlook. hopes, that aren't far-fetched. no self-defeating desires and expectations, rather healthy ones. 

Steppin' on the trail of ultimate 

I would never choose to die 

Give me the rest of all the secrets 

Give me new culture of life 

YES! 

there lies a lot of truth in this remark. similar to the way of life the Bible recommends and promises. 

It's a deal! Put it there. I'm in. 

Gogol Bordello's bandleader is Ukrainian by the way. 

He sings Russian and English. and he starred together with Elijah Wood in Jonathan Safran Foer's Everything is Illuminated. 

The movie was different. interesting. memorable. 

I like the Russian and English intermingling. 

I didn't like that a lot of it wasn't actually shot in Ukraine,

 but the Czech Republic. Their roads are too plane, not potholed enough. 

and some actresses just tried to speak Russian. 

Foer's book was quite slow-paced. 

The whole introduction is over several pages long and 
tells about the old village and Jewish customs and so-called funny stories. 

Maybe I just didn't get it, since I am an average stupid person. 

If you know Everything is Illuminated you almost immediately 

get Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. There a lot of similarites and 

Foer's style and some clichées are all too obvious.

Both main characters (Elijah Wood, Thomas Horn) are sort of autistic or peculiarly idiosyncratic (finally I used that word, I got it in my mind for such a long time and just wanted to write it. fair enough! yes! fair enough is another thing I say way too less and often unnaturally).

Wood is on a journey to familiarize himself with his dead Grandfather's origin and what happened to Augustina, the girl on the picture. He collects just ANYTHING in a plastic bag, orders and pins it.

Link

Horn is also on a journey to find out what his father's key is for. 

Both just want to be with their dead ancestors/family, be close, remember and occupy themselves with them. the characters are visibly and invisibly Jewish as Foer himself. it's fun.

No time, no leisure, no want to analyze it in more detail.

Fact is, I enjoyed both movies. Several times.

Link  Eugene Hütz, the bandleader, was amazingly funny. I love accents. I love the Indian and Russian accent when speaking English.. some may know already how obsessive I can be about that.

Anesthesia.

♫ Morcheeba - Over and Over

Inspiration is what I am lacking.

I listen to the same old and absolutely fine music, 

however, it feels as if I sucked already all inspiration out of it.

Absence of feelings. Marble.

I need something new.

New.

NEW!

The masses of movies I watched just within a week 

moved me to think for a moment about some vital issues. 

Still, I wholeheartedly numbly miss a smooth easy-goingness in life. 

Levni Yilmaz expresses non-feelings in his Tales of Mere Existence 

similar to mine , especially in this episode.

I'm in no mood to talk about anything. 
I'm not sure  it's because I'm out of words or out of opinions. 
There is only one little problem. If you ever tried to 
shut yourself down like this, you may be familiar with 
the thought of how comforting it is, how peaceful it is 
and how semi-strong you feel because you 
know nothing can touch you. 
However, you may be also familiar with the 
total awareness that it really kind of sucks.

- Levni Yilmaz

Kind Regards.

Dear Great Britain, 

or would you like to be called UK (?),

It was nice meeting you your border control.

What a shame that we broke up before we even 

got to know each other.

You didn’t try your hardest to keep me, no, instead you 

treated me like an intruder.

Do you think I deserved that? Fact is, Liza has no Visa.

Ok, you got a point there, but did the police really have to 

escort me out of the neutral ground between France 

and the Eurotunnel leading to you?

Was it necessary to let me find a cheap hotel close to midnight?

Was it worth it to leave me in fright behind?

I guess for you it was a formality fun.

Sincerely yours,

Liza

FYI: I don’t like to be called “young lady”. 

Morley.

I don't make sense without you. 

- Morley

street artist Morley: https://www.facebook.com/IAmMorley

Whip.

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. 

I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice 

myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance 

of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.

- Leo Tolstoy "Family Happiness"

I find myself the first time of my life in Cologne, sitting in Starbucks, 

drinking some weird delicious liquid with whip cream on it. Whip Cream rules. 

Anyone here who knows Family Guys' scene of the debate between 
Stewie and Brian how Cool Whip is correctly pronounced? Well. 

What very complicated incidences led to my being here is 

already put down in writing and will be posted soon.

I like those chairs here.

Most.

I am like the most pathetic person I know. 

I indulge in self-pity more than ever. 

Sitting here on my bed on a Saturday night, eating a salad, 

watching Batman Begins and The Dark Knight 

as attunement to The Dark Knight Rises. 

I know, I am negligent as concerns proper movie enjoyment.

 Although I got tickets to a small music festival in town, I am too pitiful. Normally I enjoy being on my own, but today.. ah. 

Noone to call. Noone to write to. 

I gotta realize that I am on my own indeed. 

And I am not in the condition to actively do something about it.

I tried. But I cannot. 

There are boundaries. Like emotionally.

People cannot discern what the other one really feels.

It is not always as it seems.


Did I mention that I do not care about anything anymore?
All the worries and anxieties and uproars and deep emotions are gone. 
I DO NOT CARE.
I do not care whether my plans work out, whether I feel good, 
whether anyone cares.
However, I gotta admit, I do not want to be alone at the moment, 
and as contradictory as it sounds I am still delighted 
to have the apartment to myself tonight.

Left.

When nothing goes right, ..go left.

When nothing goes right, I easily give up.
This is exactly what I do now.

I'd rather stick to the things I can do.

Dreaming.
Cooking.
Hiding.
Silence.
Verve.
Narrating.
Commenting.
In the mind.
Nothing.

I should start to keep expectations even lower than they are already.

No Random.

No, this isn't a totally random post. Admittedly, it is spontaneous. 

As I watch Last Station I am confronted with writers and love. 

How does that go together? Love inspires. 

It inspires others to poetically confess their love and, in turn, help more people to put their own emotions into words.

What does love in general do with me? Indeed, in a way it inspires me to write, too. 

Not enthusiastically, but rather the cynical and plagued way. 

What I hate about love is that it hurts. It makes me sick. 

By the way, I am talking about the interpersonal kind of love. 

Love for the truth, love for God is absolute, not relative, since there are obvious reasons to love him. 
The only hard thing is to be convinced of receiving his undeserved love in return.

Painful love is not seldom or rare. I find it very often. Actually I see it everywhere. 

Even when two persons are earnestly committed to each other there is the pain of being separated for a while. 

Plus, I as a very talkative person would feel sore not being allowed to express my sentiments at all. 

In fact, pain within the ranges of love is not seldom.

Love does definitely not mean to be hyper or ecstasiated all the time. 

It takes long to be sufficiently and long-term content in a relationship.

Certainly, a person is liable to adjust the own thinking, e.g. as concerns jealousy. 
This is especially needed in an existing relationship, then the mutual and continuous improvement of both personalities has particular priority. 

You make me a better person.

As a matter of fact, the mate partially contributes to such self-improvement. 

This is one of the greatest things I anticipate.

However, first of all, I wholeheartedly and most sincerely try not to please my mate or myself, but God, so that I get the highest satisfaction of a life by my own. 

Only then there exists the slightest possibility to be truly delighted in a relationship.

♫ Rob Dougan - There's Only Me

The Ten.

The movies I mention aren't released this month, but caught my attention somehow and I want to relieve myself from the burden of having them constantly on my mind, so I write.

Links: The Ten in May, the undeveloped Ten as a long list.

 Safety not Guaranteed

I am anticipating this movie so badly. It deals with time traveling. I think I'm not obliged to add any more to that :)

And I suppose you know Nick from New Girl? He's palying the main character here. So, woop-di-doo, awesome!

Everybody lies.

Well, well , well, good old Dr. Gregory House, we love him, we hate him, but mostly we love him.. or, wait, do we? Do I?

The 177th episode, the 8th season's finale, the show's finale aired Monday, the 21st May.

House's commonly used phrase "Everybody lies!" is made into "Everybody dies!", the last episode's name.